Only Now Do You Believe

Change was easy during the first three or four years of my Christian walk. I would go through the Scriptures and find really good things - things I wanted in my life, like the fruits of the Spirit - and I would ask God for them. Then I would literally step back and watch Him work in my life. Suddenly, I had patience with people I'd usually get frustrated with; I held my tongue when a boastful comment or a sarcastic, deriding remark was ready to spill out; I overflowed with so much joy that you could find me dancing to worship music in my room, all by myself. That problem I wrote about a couple of entries ago of not really "being there" during a conversation is totally gone from my life. Change was easy. It seemed that all I had to do was ask, and God would bring godly change. I was merely an observer, watching as the Master Craftsman chipped away at an ugly mound of stone, slowly turning it into a beautiful image of Himself. The truth that "it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure" was put on full display for me to witness (Philippians 2:13).

Then I hit some bumps in the road. Change didn't come so easy anymore. I would pray and ask for change, but nothing would happen, or more commonly the change would be temporary, which is no change at all.  Slowly, I began to believe that certain things would never change just because they weren't changing. I began to believe that God didn't have the power to change me: "Why God? Why aren't you doing something about this?" I was blaming God, because He wasn't changing me like He used to change me.

Eventually I tried to exert my own willpower to bring about change. "I just need to be more diligent and watch out for temptations. When temptations come, I'll blot them out right away." The problem with this is that when temptations come, they don't seem so bad... actually they seem pretty good. Why would I want to blot something out that I perceive to be good? Or sometimes I'd know it was bad in the back of my head, but the front of my head would yell at it and say "Just a little longer alright?" A little longer would almost always mean a little too late. That's when I began to realize that my willpower in itself won't help, because it's corrupted. Fighting sin with willpower is like navigating the high seas with a broken compass.

And this is really the reason why I wasn't changing: inside, when it was all said and done, I didn't want to change. My prayers were duplicitous and weak. I would pray "Lord, change me!" while secretly longing for what I wanted to get rid of.  And when I gave in to temptation, I would complain that God was slow in acting. "God isn't faithful to His promises," I grumbled. "He says He'll change me and then He leaves me in the dust!" And thus my sin led to the greatest sin of all - unbelief (Hebrews 3:12; 16-19).

I shudder at the thought of what would have happened if I had continued down that path of unbelief, for if God is unfaithful with one promise, then why not another? Why should He be faithful with the promise "If you confess your sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins" (1 John 1:9)? Doubts about forgiveness mean doubts about salvation and doubts about God's love. These doubts lead to doubts about Christ's sacrifice and doubts about the atonement He provided for my sins. A plague of doubt would have enshrouded me, and the worst thing is I have no doubt that I could have deceived myself into thinking I still believed.

The good news is that I was God's work and I will always be God's work: "And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ" (Philippians 1:6). He saved me from my unbelief. He showed me that He can change my will by changing it, and I believe now. I believe that there is no temptation too enticing to resist, no sin too seductive to repel. I believe that God's power is enough to break the power of sin at work in my body (Romans 7:23).

I went on a retreat on the weekend with some of my best Christian friends. We had a time of listening prayer where we sat in silence to hear God's voice. When I began, I immediately heard the phrase, "Only now do you believe." True belief is belief that is tested, and Faith emerges from the darkness of unbelief. If change is easy for you, trust in the Lord to carry out His work to completion by changing your works; If change is difficult, trust in the Lord to carry out His work to completion by changing your will. True faith will persevere; if it does not, it was not faith.

(Note: this is a general reflection on temptation/sin and sanctification - the process of changing from a life of sin to a life of righteousness - which is why I don't identify the specific sins in the entry. You can insert your own sin in the appropriate places. To give you an idea of what I was thinking while reflecting, the sins I was struggling with related to lust and sexual temptations in general, but it could be anything that is sinful but that is really attractive. Be careful though in thinking that this struggle only applies to the tangible and obvious sins that so commonly come up in Christian discourse. Sin can include gluttony, comfortable living, self-indulgence, assertion of self-will over God's will, lack of mercy, etc. The real struggle will be to break through those sins that are universally accepted by western society).

Is Your Life a Movie, or is the Movie Your Life?

Do you know what it's like to sit back and think, "How did I get here?" I mean, to reflect on where you are right now, on what you're doing, on the people in your life.. and then think about what you were doing just a little while ago and the people who were in your life then. It's like life has been rolling along, carrying you in the flow of time, taking you places you're hardly conscious of going to. I think it's possible for all life to unfold like this. It's like you have the best seats in the house to the show that is your life, and you hardly know it's your own life while you're watching. At times, you wish you could intervene - you watch something and say "whoa now, that's stupid. Don't go there" or "uh oh, don't do that" and you sit on the edge of your seat, ready to spring up and make sure that what is right is done... but then you sit back again, comfortable in your plush viewing chair, and remember that it's just a movie.

It's not like you actually think, "Oh yeah, this is just a movie, I can't do anything about it". It's not even like you think "I'd like to intervene, but there's nothing I can do." It's a much more subtle shift. It's like you had a moment of inspiration that just gradually fades away; it leaves as the distance shortens between your butt and the back of your seat, and you go on watching the life on the screen mess things up.

This picture of life makes me sad. It makes me sad because it makes me feel powerless to actually live my life the way I want to, in the way I know is right. And that's how I often feel in my life - powerless to do what is right. But maybe that's what I actually need. Maybe that's the right starting point.

This leads me to one of the most troubling and most encouraging passages in the Bible. Paul says, "For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members (i.e. his physical body) another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?" (Romans 7:22-24).

Paul hit the nail right on the head, didn't he?  It's like there are two people living inside me: "Who will deliver me from this body of death?" "Me" is the one who's watching the movie, who knows what is right, who wishes he could do something but can't. The "body of death" is that oaf on screen who stumbles about life like a blind man: he can't see what is good or what is bad, so he follows his nose to what smells pleasurable (no, he's not Tucan Sam) or his ears to what sounds good. If he could only see what lay ahead - if he could only see the big picture - he wouldn't do the things he does.

If it was just a movie, this wouldn't be so bad. We watch people on screen mess up their lives all the time. We watch them run straight into ax-wielding psychomaniacs, into booby-traps, into wrecked marriages, into broken relationships, and we cringe as we watch. But at the end of the day (or even the end of the scene), we forget about the character (or we sigh and say "Poor Billy" before we forget).

But it's not a movie, and therefore it is bad. The body of death you're watching is you, and its gaffs are your gaffs. It's messing up your life. It's making you wretched.

The worst thing is, most people don't know that they're living life like they're watching a movie. They're like the person who's so absorbed in the show that they forget about reality. For them, there is only the "body of death" on screen; there is no "me" who can step back and think, "Was that the right thing to do?" They don't bother to see; they're only concerned with what smells or sounds good.

But even if one has the ability to step back and reflect on the actions of the "body of death", such an exercise is futile if one's sense of what is right and wrong is skewed. The "Me" can look at the messed up choices of the "body of death" and say, "There's nothing wrong with that". Or the "Me" gets so used to the life of the "body of death" that it says "Maybe that's not so bad after all". Or the "Me" simply gets tired of thinking about what is right in all the darkness of wrong and decides to just watch the movie. In any case, every case lets the "body of death" ruin your life.

I'm a little bit of all of these. Sometimes I just roll along life without reflection, and other times I reflect but my reflections are messed up. Still other times I reflect correctly, but I cannot change what happens on the screen.

"Who will deliver me from this body of death?" If I am the only saviour for myself, then I have lost all hope. I have known the futility of banging on the movie screen, trying to change what the "body of death" does, only to sit back down in tired resignation and watch as it messes up my life. And I have no doubt that in many ways, the perception of "Me" is flawed. I know this simply by the fact that things I once thought were right I now know are wrong. 

I am powerless; I am no saviour for myself. If I am to be saved, there must be another: one who can bring together the "Me" and the "body of death" so that the "body of death" becomes "Me". One who can make "Me" what it was supposed to be.

I choose to put my faith in Jesus Christ the Saviour, for He is the one who first gave me awareness of "Me". Before that, there was only the "body of death", and my life would have been a downhill tumble to nothing. It would have been a life of blind ignorance. But it was Jesus who told me that I was not made to be like that. There is a "Me" that was created for more.

Jesus says, "I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly" (John 10:10). In other words, He has come to turn the "body of death" into a "body of life". With Him, I do not need to resign myself to the mere acknowledgment that something is wrong; neither must I fear that the "Me" is not "Me". The One who has taught me about true life has also promised to make that life reality.

My life was like a movie before I knew Christ. When He came to me, He taught me that I was living life like it was a movie, but all along that movie was my life. Now there is no movie - there is only my life.  

"Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Romans 7:24-25)

Ah blogging. How I miss you. I never would have thought that typing out thoughts to myself could be so valuable. Apparently I've forgotten, hence the 20 month period of non-blogging. Does that mean I haven't done any serious life reflection for the past 20 months? It's time to change that.

I was reading some old e-mails in my account today. They were from 2003 and 2004! It was a weird experience. In fact, it was like I was intruding on another person's life: "Don't read this stuff Josh! It's private!" But as I read these messages, memories holed up in my brain came flooding back, and I realized that I'm that person. These people are writing to me! They're responding to things I said to them! ... But how could it be? I don't even know these people anymore! People I used to see and think about everyday have disappeared from my life. How life changes.

I read some e-mails from my brother Jon. He was just starting his first year of university, and he was so eager to tell me about all his new experiences. He told me how nervous he was about meeting new people, how excited he was about meeting girls, how famous he had become after a disco party during welcome week. He hasn't sent me an e-mail that personal in a long time. Why? Is there enough comfort in life to not have to be nervous, enough attained to not be excited? Is this the course of life? Maybe everything new and exciting is accomplished in our early years, after which we gradually settle down into comfort, predictability, and routine.

The other possibility is that I'm no longer the person to share these experiences with. After all, he's married now. Is that it, then?

(Aside: I notice that I'm asking a lot of questions. I don't usually write like this, so what's with the majorly overdone pseudo-socratic method? I guess that blogging for me is like an inquiry into my mind; I don't know what I'm going to write, so I start with a question. That question leads me to a dead-end in thinking, so I need to ask more questions to develop my thinking. Since blogging is thinking-on-a-page, the thinking that is done through the process of questioning must be blogged-out. Now, to continue with the questions...)

Is it a principle of relationships that there is an inverse relationship between relationships with significant others and relationships with all others? (Do they become insignificant others? Is it possible to use relationships more times in a sentence? Another aside: I'm having so much fun I'm making myself laugh. Oh and a question: who am I talking to? I guess I'm talking to myself. This is why blogging is such an interesting experience).

Alright, enough asides! Stick to the main theme... whatever that is.

If that principle of relationships stated above is true, should my reaction be sad? Should it be resigned? Maybe it should be happy?

I guess there's another possible answer to the question of why I don't get the kinds of e-mails I used to get from my brother.

(Ok, one more aside, which is more of a qualification: Jon, if you're reading this, don't think I'm offended! I'm just using this example as a sounding-board for ideas. This blog is much more a reflection about relationships in general than it is about my relationship with you).

Maybe Jon doesn't have time anymore to either do the kind of reflection required to write such an e-mail or to invest the time it takes to write such an e-mail. But if he had time before to write such e-mails and he no longer has time to write such e-mails, then it must be that he is using the time he used to use to write such e-mails to do something else (there's a syllogism for you!).  This leads to the next relevant question: is the activity to which he is directing the time he used to use to write such e-mails a worthy substitute for the writing of such e-mails? Let's think about some of his activities: work, trading craigs-list merchandise, PS3, church activities, loose-ends with the wedding, and Cheryl-time. I could do an analysis of each of these, but I won't, for the simple reason that I want to move on.

Oh the joys of blogging! You write about what you want to write about!

You know what? What? I'll tell you what. What's that? Let me tell you. What? What I want to tell you. What's that? STOP IT!

Anyways, you know what? I think that's enough schizophrenic behaviour for today. I'm thankful that I can turn it on and off at will... or can I?

Once again, it's been almost a year since I wrote last; ironically, the gospel choir concert is this coming weekend.  It seems that my blog life revolves around this concert... - I don't plan to go this year though; there are too many papers to write (dash usage taken from Nietzsche's "Beyond Good and Evil" - is it weird or what?)

Let me do a little reflecting.  I don't have a poignant "Chicken Soup Story" today... what do I have?  I have time... time to sit and reflect... on what?  on life?  on the Lord?  on people?  on the past?  the future?  I don't really know, but it sure is fun to sit here and type. 

Do you ever feel like you're moving so fast that you're not really living?  Have you ever gone out somewhere, and after you've returned you realize that you weren't really there?  Like all the time you were physically present, you were just putting on a social show while your mind - while your real self - was actually somewhere else?  I feel like this pretty often. 

Now I try to "place myself in the moment."  What do I mean?  I mean that I try to realize exactly what I'm doing and see the people I'm with as the people they are in the moment we're in.  (Man, this sounds abstract and Buddhist).  Maybe I can illustrate what I'm trying to say with an example.

Josh knocks three times on the wooden door.  The door opens, the hosts greet him with enthusiasm, and he walks in.  He sees the pile of shoes on the mat and realizes that he should put his shoes on it too.  Then the host starts speaking.

Friend A: Josh, how are you?

Josh thoughtfully inclines his head upwards and pauses for a moment before responding.  He decides that there's nothing wrong with the standard answer.

Josh: Umm... I'm pretty good.  I have a lot of essays to write, but that's ok.  It's that time of year. 

Friend A: Oh my gosh, I have so much work to do - I couldn't even begin to tell you!  Ok yesterday I had two group meetings, and one of the members showed up half an hour late (I was getting so stressed) and then I ran into a friend of mine I hadn't seen in so long!  It was so good to see him, I mean, I practically grew up with him...

The monologue goes on.  Josh is glancing into the living room, trying to see who's already arrived.  He does it while nodding his head up and down at broken intervals while his friend goes on. He sees the bowls of food on the coffee table and his mind becomes absorbed with one thought: "you must eat it".  But he has to wait for his friend to stop talking.

Josh: (sympathetically) Sounds like you're really busy!  The year's almost finished though, so keep on going!

He takes the opportunity to walk into the living room and sit down on the couch... in front of the food.  Meanwhile, Friends B, C, D and E welcome him to the gathering.

Friend B: Josh! How's it going brother?

Friend C: Hey Josh!

Friend D: Hey...

Friend E: smiles

Josh decides not to repeat the standard answer (he enjoys to mix things up). He answers them all with one response and question.

Josh: Pretty good!  When did you guys get here?

Friend C: Maybe about ten minutes ago. 

Josh: Cool.

Having responded to them all at once, Josh realizes that all the attention is now fixed on him.  His question was not exactly a conversation-starter, so he has to come up with something quick. Meanwhile, he's eyeing the food.

Josh: Man, this food looks good.  Did you guys make all this?

Friend D: It was all --- She worked so hard on it!  She baked all day.

Friend A: Oh it was nothing!  I just used a recipe my mom gave me during the Christmas break.  It's a recipe my grandmother used to use when we would have family get togethers along with all my cousins.  All of us would go to her house and my grandmother would plop us down at the dinner table and dish out serving after serving of her cooking - which is the best in the world, by the way.  One time she made this cinnamon apple pie...

Josh is looking at her with a smile on his face, bobbing with his characteristic nods.  The food beckons.  He reaches his hand out to eat some of the food.  He barely finished chewing before he reaches out to take some more... it's crunchy and yummy.

So the gathering begins.  Josh is known as the social guy, ready to crack a joke or contribute a story.  His mind is focused on several things: the conversation going on around him, the things he could say, the homework he has to do at home, and the food that's in front of him.  This goes on for an hour and a half.

Josh realizes that he's getting bored, and he really needs to head home to work on that essay that's due on Monday.  He begins to look for an exit opportunity.

While the friends are up and about, some mingling around the kitchen area and others starting private conversations with each other, Friend E sits down beside Josh with a smile on his face.

Josh: How's it going ---.

Friend E: Pretty good I guess.

Josh: That's good.  Are you busy these days?

Friend E: Yeah, it's been hard to spend time alone with God.

Josh thinks, "here we go again.  Why can't this guy just get his life together so that he can read his Bible?"

Josh: Man, that sucks.

Friend E: I'm trying really hard Josh, but I have so much school work that I never find time for it.

Josh: Well ---, you have to remember that it's important to have your quiet times everyday. 

Friend E: I know it's important Josh.  School is just too hard right now.

Josh: Why don't you do this: before you go to class in the mornings, spend some time praying and reading the Bible.  Even if it's only fifteen minutes, it'll get you off on the right track!

Friend E: Yeah... I'll try.

Friend E doesn't look very encouraged; rather, he feels like he's failed... again.  Josh thinks, "This guy's always struggling; he must be pretty immature in his faith." He reflects on his own ability to read the Bible everyday, go to prayer meetings everyday, participate in evangelism, act as president of his fellowship, serve on the worship team at his church... and he begins to think that he has it all together. "If only he could be like me," he thinks, "then he'd have it all together..."

I think that's all I need to narrate.  Do you see my problem?  My mind's not really there...I'm not really there.  And the result is not just boredom, but something far more dangerous and hurtful: the inability to care as I should.  What should evoke compassion and words of encouragement brings judgment and pride instead.  I'm so wrapped up in myself that I don't see the deeper problems that my friend is struggling with.  I don't realize that he's having a lot of problems with his housemate, that he's struggling with getting his assignments in on time, or that he's been drawn into the dark, obsessive, solitary realm of pornography.

If I had "placed myself in the moment", I would have appreciated the opportunity to be in my friend's life at that moment.  As it was, my mind was on different things... irrelevant things (food, homework I can't do until I get home, myself).  And I would have realized the significance of what was happening at that moment: my friend was making himself vulnerable to me, and God was giving me a chance to love him.  I'm not talking about giving him advice.  I'm talking about feeling his hurt and helping him carry his burden through my compassion.  Too often I miss the opportunity to do a good work in the name of Christ because I'm not really there.  I'm not even available for Him to use me. 

If I "lived in the moment", I'd probably have a lot more to write about.  There would be so many precious moments in my life, moments I would want to give God glory for. 

I thank God for this moment to reflect and to live. 

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

In Memory of Rushly

It's been almost a year since I last wrote.  I think this is telling of how the year has been going for me.  I don't stop and think so much anymore, so I have a lot less to reflect upon and write about.  It's not as if I've been neglecting the Lord or anything, for I feel His presence with me more than before.  But even so, I think I've been missing out on the little things.  Reading that story about Rushly brought back good memories of a time when things were simple and new. 

Simple and new!  Those are two words I haven't seen in a long time.  I know I am maturing as an adult and as a servant of God, but this shouldn't be at the expense of these two things.  They are precious...more so than I ever thought. 

So what simple story can I write?  What is new in my life?  There's a lot I could tell you.  Let's start with this.

I went to the McMaster Gospel Choir Concert for the second year in a row a couple weeks back.  I wasn't performing this time which was nice.  My friend Henry and I went together, and we ran into his Western Civilization TA Courtney Wilson at the church where the concert was being held.  Boy, she was glad to see us!  She was feeling rather like the loner sitting by herself. 

Courtney sang in the Gospel Choir last year, but this year she was too busy.  She's in fourth year Arts and Science and she's finishing off her Combined Honours in Religious Studies.  She has this paper she's working on that looks more like a PhD dissertation than an undergraduate thesis.  Oh yeah, she's also my friend Jenna's roommate and best friend, she's getting married this summer, and she's going to Boston University to study her PhD next year.  One more thing: she really loves the Greek language. 

You could tell she really missed singing in the Gospel Choir.  Once in a while she'd break out her Gospel Choir moves and sway side to side, snapping her fingers to the catchy rhythm.  It looked like she really wanted to be up on stage with her old comrades in windpipes (comrades in arms... get it?!).  So it was to my surprise that, when the lead singer of one of the opening acts perused from the front stage to where we were sitting  while belting out a praise song and looking for someone to hand the mic to for a little solo of their own, Courtney started shaking in her boots (literally - she was wearing boots).  Since we were right on the edge of the aisle the praisin' lady was walking down, there was quite a high probability that Courtney would be chosen.  Gasp!!! 

"I'm breaking out into cold sweats Josh!!!"

"Why?  You can sing."

"What if she chooses me?!?  I'm going to hand you the mic Josh, you better be ready"

(No comment)

She didn't have to worry.  I was already singing the song of blessing to the Lord with a smile and a dance, like any seasoned Gospel singer.  The praisin' lady took notice and, lo and behold, she sauntered over to our pew and shoved the mic in MY face!  Already in high spirits, I didn't hesitate to sing.  Within the first few notes though, I realized that the key was actually much too high for me. I had been singing in a falsetto all along!  So I dropped down an octave and sang in this deep, burly voice... well, in a voice as deep and burly as my 130 Ib frame can allow.  Keep in mind that there were about 500 people listening to my musical attempt.  Somehow, I wasn't embarassed or shy at all!  But that would quickly change.   

"My face was turning red for you Josh!" said Henry.

"Thanks Henry, thanks a lot."

I guess there's a reason why my parents put me in violin rather than voice lessons. 

So what happened to Courtney?  She didn't have anything to say.  Was she speechless in gratitude? Maybe she was just relieved the praisin' lady was gone.  Or... perhaps she was struck dumb by my serenade.  Is my singing really that bad?!

I think that's all I have for this story.  Nothing profound, but it's cool to see two different experiences from two versions of the same event.  Who knows what I'll do next year?